Shattered Dreams
Mike Tucker
I can’t say that I’ve ever seen an angrier woman. Her rage was on her face as her husband urged her to enter my office. I had never met them before and was not certain how they got my contact information, but I was happy to help if I could.
When asked the reason for their visit, Bill* shared with me that he had been involved with another woman. The affair was over now, and there was no contact with the other woman, but now that his wife, Sally*, knew, she wasn’t certain the marriage should continue. To say that she was angry would be an understatement.
After listening to a brief description of the problem, I told them, “I know this seems like an impossible situation, but I assure you that if you will do the work, by God’s grace not only can your marriage survive, but you can have a stronger marriage than before the affair.”
As I shared my words of encouragement, Sally looked at me like I had lost my mind! It was obvious that she didn’t believe me, but she decided to do the work anyway.
The work was hard. Tears were shed, angry words were spoken and genuine pain was shared. There was nothing easy about the process, but eventually, she forgave her husband. This was indeed a miracle!
Now it was time to work on repairing the broken relationship and to work on the things that had made them vulnerable to an affair in the first place. At first, the couple progressed well enough, but then we hit a snag. Progress slowed to a snail’s pace. Something was wrong.
Eventually, I realized that Bill was now the problem. He hadn’t forgiven himself. When I confronted him with this fact, he said, “After all the pain I caused Sally, not to mention the other woman and her husband, I am frightened that I might do something that stupid again. I don’t ever want to hurt my wife like that again, so I guess I’m being pretty hard on myself to make sure I won’t do it again.”
I shared with Bill that refusing to forgive himself would not protect him from a future mistake. In fact, refusing to forgive himself would place him at greater risk of repeating his mistake. His only hope would not be found in continuing to beat himself up over his sin but in trusting Jesus alone. Only Jesus could keep him from repeating his behavior.
I shared with him the words in Romans 8:1, “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Then I explained, “That means that God does not condemn you because when He forgave you, He also forgot your sin. If Satan condemns you, God will not listen to him. If I or anyone else condemns you, God will hold that against us. But there is more.
“You don’t even have the right to condemn yourself. You have no right to beat yourself up over sins God has forgiven and forgotten because He declares that there is to be absolutely no condemnation for you, for when He forgave you, you entered into Christ Jesus. Beating yourself up over this sin is a denial of the grace and freedom from guilt and shame Jesus died on the cross to provide for you. Your only hope is in His freedom, not your cherished, self-induced shame.”
It took work, but Bill did eventually forgive himself.
Eventually, the three of us celebrated communion in my office as a physical reminder that the past was nailed to the cross. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, their marriage was brand new.
Months later, I received an email from Sally. She said, “I must tell you that when you told us that first night that if we did the work, not only could our marriage survive, but it would be stronger, I thought you had lost your mind! But today, I know you told the truth. We’ve never been closer than we are today.
“If ever I was to doubt that I did the right thing by forgiving Bill, I just wait until he walks through the door after work, and our children scream, ‘Daddy’s home!’ and run to his arms. Our home is happy because we are together and hold nothing against each other.
“Just last night we decorated our Christmas tree as a family. When everything else was done, Bill lifted our youngest child to place the star on top of the tree. As he did, knowing his face was hidden from our children, Bill mouthed, ‘Thank you.’ I knew what he was talking about. If I hadn’t done the work of forgiveness, we wouldn’t be having this moment together as a family. He wouldn’t have been here, and our lives would be incomplete.
“So if you ever have anyone who asks if it is worth the hard work to put a marriage back together, you tell them I say ‘Yes! It absolutely is worth it.’”
This family is together today because of the miracle God worked in their lives. God loves our homes and longs for us to have the joy He intended marriage to provide. And even when we stupidly do things that could destroy our homes, God is still willing to perform the miracles of forgiveness and restored relationships.
_____
Mike Tucker is the speaker/director of Faith for Today, host of the award-winning television program Lifestyle Magazine and host of Mad About Marriage. He lives in Grand Prairie, Texas, with his wife, Pam.
*Not his/her real name
_____
This first appeared in THE FLAME Special Miracles Issue 2019, a Texas Conference quarterly magazine. Find the entire issue at issuu.com/texasadventist.